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Young Writers Society



Philosophy

by Happy Meal


Force me in that chair
Strap me down and tell me what’s fair
How my heart beats and what I’ve done wrong
Holler how I’ve failed to sing God’s song
‘Life’s a two way street’, you claim
‘Turn right or take the blame’
With cringing jaws, up I leapt
‘Now would I be wrong if I took a left?’
Your argument is silent, as everybody could see
Is it my philosophy, or am I suspect of hypocrisy?

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798 Reviews

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Sat Dec 20, 2008 2:54 am
Jiggity wrote a review...



Yeah, I gotta agree with Vox. I didn't get this. Not because it was so good, but rather because there was no real point to it. Having said that, the same could be said for philosophy in general, so many you succeeded after all. I don't think so though.

How my heart beats and what I’ve done wrong

Holler how I’ve failed to sing God’s song



The tempo/rhythm is off her, in the second like. Deleting 'Holler' would probably help.

With cringing jaws, up I leapt


Jaws can't cringe. Awkward imagery.

Your argument is silent, as everybody could see

Is it my philosophy, or am I suspect of hypocrisy?


Again, in the last line there's one too many words and it throws the rhythm off.

*

Even as philosophy goes, this is half-baked and underdone. I mean, you verge on making a point but get lost half-way. Didn't enjoy this. It was random and not as well thought out as it could be. Hope this helped,

Cheers




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Fri Dec 19, 2008 8:12 pm
vox nihili wrote a review...



Okay. Now, I might sound overtly literal, but you need, in this poem, unless you're asking what's right or wrong, to choose a side! We readers read it and say 'say what?' 'that bird flew over my head!' Now, I like the imagery, but the chair thing confused me. Why is there a chair where is the chair, why are you strapped down into it? What does this line mean? "How my heart beats and what I’ve done wrong" I don't quite understand it. PM me to clarify, please.
And now, I must rant about the inherent lack of punctuation... there wasn't a single darn period in the whole thing. But you know what? I enjoyed reading it. You're a good philosipher. I hope I wasn't too harsh, because it is a good poem. You and I and everybody else in existence will make mistakes here and there. I am an overtly literal person due to having Asperger's syndrome and..well, I guess you don't care. But anyway, good poem, work on it a little, and keep writing! ;) cheers!
Voxina





Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto (I am a man, I don't consider anything human foreign to me)
— Terence